hungry...

i know something about...being hungry like this...for a short time during my childhood...i was homeless...with no parents...no adults...on my own...just me...and whatever wits and resources i could conjure...when your grumbling stomache is the only thing that lets you know youre alive...that's hunger...

you would think that would have made me a glutton when i finally got the chance..i went through some of that...i would open and close the cabinets...the refrigerator...and stand...and stare...making sure there was something there...

but then...i wrestled for six years...and from 12 to 18 i would lose...cut...in wrestling terms...a minimum of...twenty pounds...sometimes thirty...for 5 months every year...it was bad...i would walk the halls barely knowing my own name...

when it comes to methods of losing weight...ive seen..and done it all...starvation...caffeine...diuretics...vomiting before weigh in...then bingeing afterwards...water diets...fruit diets...dehydration...burying myself in layers...sweating myself dry...not once...did anyone question my health...i would tell people i was cutting weight for wrestling...and that would be that...

my senior year...i had enough...i felt like it was fucking with my sanity...something had to change...especially after i snapped...and pulled a knife on one of my foster brothers...

so...that's why now...im baffled by the pro ana thing...so i asked the only anorexic im halfway aquainted with...what's the deal... [edit- out of consideration and respect]...(understandably...the reponse was muted anger...and silence...)

well...i didn't really expect much of a reply...why should she have to explain herself to anyone...

in the end...i'm still just confused...

i understand thhe occasional fast...i understand watching what you eat...but...knowing what it means to...do without...this pursuit of a concept of beauty...that has nothing to do with...human reality...just makes me feel like a clueless boob...

i guess this is my plea to understand...my general philosophy is...whatever gets you through the day...as long as you're not harming anyone else in the process...so hey...i don't judge...but if you can shed some light my way...i'll listen...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

i'm not gonna bitch and moan...

about how i have an unusual knack for getting shit done in nthe last minute...about this cold...that is taking it's time going away...about my back...about how little writing ive done in the last week...

because i am sitting in the heart of my new casa...casa clarmount...and i am one fortunate man...

instead...

i'll steal a page from tony's playbook...except i'll put my own spin on it...let's pull out the ol'...Observation Deck...and freewrite for 20 min...

Today's card says...

explore the underside

great, now i have to lay down and look at the bottom of my desk...or something...if i get down on this floor...i might just fall asleep right here...in my new office...any way...underside...bottom...speaking of bottoms...construction workers...and firemen...both tried picking up my wife this week...i say...well damn...that's a complement where i come from...

so far this is boring...thios is why i don't do this...how about this...a big shout out to Jessyel Ty Gonzalez...a talented photographer up in boulder...and a big up to Dan over @ East Colfax...who comands a significant talent of his own...for pointing me towards DailySnap...i expect it will find its way into my daily clicks...

im worn out...near the depths of my reserves...on the other side of this night...another long day...another string of meaningless words...strung together simply to fill time and space...i guess that's the undersiide of blogging...done...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

outside of death and/or dismemberment...

i can't think of a more miserable week than this last one...summer cold...check...shitty weather...you got it...move to a new home...what else ya got...how about an interview for a new job...right away...

meanwhile...

if you havent checked it out yet...there something new up on burnsizzlebleed...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

dearest reader...

you know how much i love you...right...of course there are...provisos...I should also tell you that if you hapen to see me and mrs scribe out and about in the world...try not to stare too hard...especially if you are...young...soft...and female...mrs scribe will bitchslap you real quick...trust me...it aint pretty...don't be fooled...she's pretty...but she's old school punk rock tough...


Johnny Cash Loves You!

dear mrs. scribe...

i know you want to do something special for me...like buy me one of these...bad ass, stretched out bicycles...really...i'm not ungrateful for the thought...but how about we replace that old matrress...we've worn it out...if you really want to spend some extravagant money on me...you could splurge and get me...one of these...because...I've learned that...sometimes...if you want something...the best thing to do is...ask for it...

Johnny Cash Loves You!