December 31, 2005

the year in review...2005...

i've heard a lot of people grumbling about what a lousy year this was...sure...if you lived in new orleans...or pakistan...or sri lanka...or london...or...if you lived or worked in the white house...or if you were an elected republican...

i must be walking around lucky...and don't know it...beccause i've had a pretty good year...

marry a wonderful woman...

check...

get the job that i've wanted for years...

done...

and so many other very good things...

no i have forgotten that my step father died...even that worked out for the best...I got the chance to make peace with him...before saying goodbye...

and no i haven't finished the book yet...but i'm damn close...

so farewell '05...i'll remember you well...

here are some of the books, movies, television, and music i've enjoyed this year...

























Johnny Cash Loves You!

December 28, 2005

kinda used to be...

the other day the wife and i were making out on the couch...yeah, it's like that...we make out like teenagers on the couch...like drunken strangers who picked each other up at a bar...!...and for no apparent reason...an old short i wrote...older than i care to admit...flitted across my mind...and then today...i found out that a favorite blogger of mine moved...and again the story came back to me...this thing is about sharing...so...here ya go...a blast from the past...

ICED CREAM OF WHEAT

I am four again.

I’m sitting in the warmth and comfort of my mother’s kitchen. Outside, it’s a bright winter morning. It snowed last night and everything is covered in a blanket of white moisture. School is canceled for the day and my best friend Eddie and I are anxiously awaiting our celebratory bowls of warm Cream of Wheat. Eddie lives next door.

Two years from now, with cool sweat running down my back, I’ll get my first kiss from Charlene Arroyo playing house in Eddie’s basement.

After spending all morning shoveling neighborhood sidewalks, Eddie’s older brother Will comes into the house peeling off his coat while my mother brings us our steaming breakfast. As Will sits at the table, he rubs his little brother’s nappy head and asks for a bowl.

On Will’s eighteenth birthday, the three of us will sneak out and “borrow” his father’s car for a rambunctious midnight joy ride.

As we say grace, Eddie and I poke at each other like inattentive boys at Sunday school. I look at my cereal and know that it isn’t complete. I add a lump of butter and watch it melt into a yellow pool. I pile a pyramid of sugar on top and remain unsatisfied. I turn towards the kitchen window to the backyard and realize what I need.

When I am nine, I’ll run home screaming with blood gushing from my head after falling into the basement of one of the unfinished houses being built in the field where we used to play baseball.

I walk outside in my flannel p.j.’s and slippers to where my father’s vegetable garden lies
dormant. Scooping up a handful of the chilly December snow, I look up into the hard blue sky and watch the sun’s rays glisten on the icicles hanging off the rain gutters. My dog Shep pokes his huge head out of his house and looks at me as if I’m crazy.

When I am at college, Shep will die from poison fed to him by thieves so they can break into my family’s home.

My mother asks me why I went outside. “I’m going to make Iced Cream of Wheat”, I tell her. The simultaneous burst of laughter from the three of them send the birds outside the window fluttering to the trees. I nervously glance at Eddie, and I find I am comforted by the understanding in his eyes. On my mother’s face there is a trace of bewildered surprise.

I remember that same look fading to sadness after both of us saw Eddie get gunned down in a drive-by shooting three years ago.

Johnny Cash Loves You!

December 21, 2005

last year's unanswered christmas letters....little billy...

Dear Santa,

My name is Billy Peterson and I live in Highlands Ranch on 325 Rain Dream Hill Place. Please don’t confuse our house with the houses on Rain Dream Hill Court, Rain Dream Hill Avenue, Rain Dream Hill Lane, Rain Dream Hill Street, Rain Dream Hill Boulevard or Rain Dream Hill Circle.

All I want for Christmas is another play station for our minivan.

I’ve made cookies for you so get here soon because I will eat them if you don’t.

Billy

Johnny Cash Loves You!

December 17, 2005

last year's unanswered christmas letters....bad phone rep...

Dear Santa,

We have been very bad this year, we have had a lot of opportunities to help people and we didn’t. We have been rude and mean.

I know we don’t deserve anything except for lumps of coal but if you can see it in your heart to bring us something we would really appreciate it. You see, we need a soul.

Qwest customer service department.

Johnny Cash Loves You!

December 11, 2005

last year's unanswered christmas letters....geek holiday...

Dear Santa

Last year I got my wish for a highspeed internet connection. I love it. I spend at least 10 hours a day on the web.

This year may I please have a new keyboard. My current one is all sticky.

John

P.S. You don't have to put it under the tree. Please just put it in my room, I live in my parent's basement


Johnny Cash Loves You!

December 8, 2005

i blame myself...mostly...

there are a handful of regular readers of this journal...both friends and strnagers...on top of that...a couple dozen of regular passers by and lurkers...so when i write a post intended to solicit audience participation...i don't expect much...sure, i'm disapointed when no one plays along with my reindeer games...but i haven't done a lot to earn avid...and reciprocal...readership...i can live with that...

but when some annonymous jackass...is the lone commentor...to an offer to play an innocent word game...and his contribution is a critique...of the style this journal is written in...that would be depressing...if said jackass knew what the hell he was talking about...but since "someguy" doesn't have the guts to leave an email for correspondence...or a link to his own writing as an example of his own stellar...wordsmithery...i am only left with the choice to get fired up...and publicly evicerate him...

starting with the the writer's bible, The Elements of Style...or one of my personal favorites, the AP Stylebook...even the grammar maven du jour, ms Lynne Truss...make little if any mention of the humble ellipsis...but there are rules regarding its correct use...a quick search online...and on my bookshelves...offers the following definitions/usages...

Wikipedia:
"An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence."

Merriam-Webster:
"a sudden leap from one topic to another...marks or a mark (as ... or · or --) indicating an omission (as of words) or a pause"

Hodges' Harbrace College Handbook:
"Use ellipsis points to mark a reflective pause or hesitation."

even "someguy's" source The Blue Book of Grammar :
"Sometimes sentences are meant to trail off. Use ellipsis marks without any ending punctuation in this situation."

it's one thing to completely disregard the disclaimer above...and like a coal pinching tight ass...find fault with the writing style...it's a choice on my part...it'a a way to let readers inside my head...and give them a sense of how i think...it's a stylistic choice to represent the fact that i...and most sane...and reasonable people...don;t think in complete sentences...

it's another to annonymously leap in...without credentials...or the courage to open yourself up to equal critique...and attempt to correct me...

hey "someguy"...first, you're wrong...there are many things that i'm wrong about...but my use of ellipsis...is correct...more important...if you don't get the spirit of the thing...and only adhere to the strictest interpretation of the rules of language...in my mind...that's a greater ignorance than illiteracy....

language is a fluid...living...thing...it is neither static...nor bound by codification...get over it...and get over yourself...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

December 2, 2005

fun with madlibs...

an interactivity test...remember these...well...you give me the words...i'll fill them in and...together...we'll write something...funny...maybe...

here we go...

1 male name

6 nouns

1 human body part

2 more nouns

2 adjectives

2 last nouns

1 adverb

okay, let's see what you got...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

November 28, 2005

resurrected...

i saw a hawk on a streetlight...it was sitting there checking out the view...the snow capped mountains...the parking lot...the mice in the tall grass...the traffic...it seemed to be considering it's options...while a crow was swooping and swirling just above it's head...diving within inches of it...

i thought...yeah, that about sums me up...mulling my choices...the rest of the world be damned...

btw...this is an excellent assesment of denver's hip hop community...and it's lessons are applicable to any independent spirited endevour happening here.

Johnny Cash Loves You!

November 13, 2005

a question of character...



ive been thinking about don jose recently...he's the central male character in bizet's carmen...the man is a boy scout...steady...disciplined...and loyal...ever loyal...then he meets the seductress carmen...and goes to prison...for helping her escape prison...when he gets out...he goes back to her...deserts the military...and reluctantly follows carmen's gypsy life...of course...it doesn't end well...

this is on my mind because of the time worn cliche...character is destiny...i wonder how true this really is...is it something that storytellers spun...out of whole cloth...how many truly good people...come to good endings...and how many scoundrels...get punished...is character really destiny...or is that just a story we tell ourselves...

carmen is one of the earliest models for what we now call...noir...good man falls for bad woman...and bad things happen...don jose's central trait is his loyalty...loyalty for his mother...loyalty to his uniform...when he trades these things for loyalty to carmen...he really hasn't changed...he's just redirected his focus...loyalty is a positive trait...something worth rewarding...don jose's first crime is bad judgement...

why do we tell ourselves these stories of human ruin...they're morality plays...warnings of bad tidings for behavior...outside the norm...but does life really work that way...mostly i see that the people who live...beyond the everyday...are creating change...innovating...and mostly making the world a better place...this is one of the things that makes us all want to secretly be...outsiders...it's a daring life...

the real theives and human misfits...hide behind normality...to make what they do seem right and just...one of my favorite bands from the 90's called this...friendly fascism...

and this is why don jose is on my mind...men like him are good...in their way...but ultimately...they are easily manipulated...toward bad ends...so that his character is not his destiny...it's his trap...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

October 31, 2005

another fine colorado autumn...apparently...



it;s been a beautiful fall...so ive been told...i work nights...and sleep most days...it suits me...but ive missed some spectacular weather and foliage...according to my wife...no matter... i went out today and took this picture...right after some round headed kid lost his kite in the tree...

October 25, 2005

excuse #102505 for not updating...

let's see...there's the...ominous...and not yet worrisome health issue...to be resolved in a couple of weeks...there's the writing workshop im enrolled in...and there's a new piece i'm working on for burnsizzlebleed...and then there's the fact that i'm just plain...lame...

October 14, 2005

what I've learned from the police...(pt 2)

being a scofflaw is expensive...example: ticket for busted tailight...$60...replacement taillight...$6...for most of my twenties, my driving record was spotted with tickets and violations...speeding...dui...whatever...i got tired of paying for tickets...insurance...gas...so i sold my car and spent most of my thirties...riding my bike...yeah, i'm that cool...

believe it...despite my lack of a ride...and a prestigous carreer in customer service...i had no problem meeeting women...six years ago...i even found myself with...a girlfriend...she was sexy...smart...semi successful...and self destructive...obviously...she was dating me...

anyway, one night i was riding over to her place...and cops rolled up and pulled me over...on my bike...maybe you can imagine my ire...i managed to maintain my composure...even when they gave me the ol...you match the description...line of bullshit...

they ran my license...and unpaid tickets and missed court appearances finally caught up to me...they handcuffed me and put me in the backseat...

then they showed me a security picture of the guy i was suppposed to look like...he was taller...darker...and heavier...the only thing we had in common was our shaved heads...and oh yeah...he was black...

this is when i lost it...one of the cops was black...and i really let loose on him...about how he should know better...about how he should be ashamed of himself...they gave me the...yeah, yeah, whatever...and took me to the police station...

i knew i was wasting my time...and my breath...but i was tired...tired of cops exaggerating traffic violations...tired of being asked if they could search my car...tired of everything...

what did i get out of venting all this frustration...a weekend in jail...a suspended license...and a debt of several hundred dollars to my new girlfriend after she bailed me out...

it costs too damn much...all this wild freedom...

October 11, 2005

your word of the week fron the journal...

ironic: incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play -- called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

as in: the job i took so that i could...afford to see a doctor...something i haven't done in 10 years...has created a situation where i...had to...see a doctor...which has become a situation that may or may not...seriously need...a doctor's attention...

or maybe it's all just...coincidence...hopefully...just a simple matter of...serendipity...

October 10, 2005

if writing were a woman...

our relationship would be a mess...ive neglected her...ignored her...cheated...pimped...abused...and taken her for granted...and yet...she keeps coming back...whispering in my ear...telling me her secrets....expressing her faith in me...showing me new ways to think...see...feel...asking nothing in return...

thankfully, writing is not a woman...it would be difficult to respect a woman like that...

it is a habit...a practice...a craft...an art...i find that it requires...a discipline...that only takes hold in me...from time to time...

(a mea culpa, if you will...for my disappearance...my life...my health...has taken center stage and this...this exercise in vanity...and other flights of fancy...had to be put away for a minute...it's all about priorities...anyway...i'll get my shit together soon enough...so i can be...again...just another distraction in a world of frivolous noise...)

September 27, 2005

now, more than ever...

i discovered politics during the jimmy carter 70's...i knew who ford was...and i had heard of nixon...but i didn't really begin to grasp the concept of politics until the peanut farmer...and while times were rough...and he blundered the whole hostage thing...i never felt like any of the adults around me faulted carter for how things were...

flash forward to my first vote...the way i saw it...there were three ways i could do it...i could vote for personality...the person i liked...i could vote for politics...the party that served my interests...or...i could vote for my principles...the things i believe in...

nothing else stood for what i believe in more than the libertarian party...i understood that the libertarians weren't likely to get elected...i understood that there were things about the libertarians that i disagreed with...and there have been some libertarians that were downright disgusting...none of that mattered...the way i saw it...the only thing that i cared about was the principle of the matter...

i understand now that was madness...the american political system has always been a very pragmatic one...it goes hand in hand with capitalism...it's based on self interest...the candidate who can appeal to the interests of the most people...wins...and that person goes on to create and maintain...the best working form of government that they can negotiate...towards meeting the needs of those they represent...

ultimately...i have figured out that the libertarians don't represent me...can't represent me...because they have no practical voice in government...in order for me to have a government the most suits me...i need to support the party most likely to be able to make the changes necessary to do so...

watching what went down in new orleans...i now know that reducing government is not the answer...when you reduce government...there is no one there to pick you up when you fall...literally...so...it's long past time for some change...

now more than ever...it is time for change...

as long as the democrats stand for fiscal responsibility...i'll stand for them...

as long as the democrats stand for measured and thoughtful foreign policy...i'll stand for them...

as long as democrats stand for the right to privacy...i'll stand for them...

as long as democrats stand for preserving hard won civil rights...i'll stand for them...

notice...this is not unconditional support...the dems have to...walk the walk...the have to stand up...and be for something...about something...otherwise...i'm still just throwing my vote away...

September 19, 2005

what i've learned from the police...(pt .1)




i hate cops...and i wouldn't be any kind of man if i couldn't admit...i'm afraid of cops...everytime i see one when i'm driving...my sphincter clenches...my wife calls it...the pucker factor...in addition...i don't trust em'...

that said...

ever since september 11, 2001, most of the nation has enjoyed a love affair with...so called...first responders...i say most because, generally speaking...black folk's relationship...at least with the police...has always been loaded with...fear...hate...and distrust...my run in with the cops last month...has me thinking...why the..ahem...officer...reacted the way he did...and why i reacted the way i did...

he tried to pull me out of the car when i questioned why he pulled me over...the intensity and madness of our little interaction seemed like a microcosm of how black folk and white cops have dealt with each other since...forever...

so...let's try to take a look at how all that came to be...

growing up black in new york during the 70's and 80's...it wasn't hard to find reason to hate cops...it was in the air...all you had to do was breathe it in...and everyone knows about rodney king...but if you don't know these names...you need to...especially if you're young...and a person of color...

bumpers...

louima...

diallo...

baez

and these are just the more recent...more sensational...incidents...but don't be fooled...this is not a recent development...many of the lynchings after world war one...were sanctioned...if not led by...local law enforcement...and this is not restricted to new york...

here in denver...we have our own history of law enforcement...gone bad...

all this is the baggage i'm carrying...when i have my first up close encounter with a cop...i was in my early twenties...i was hanging out with friends at the campus pub...and someone walks in with the school security...he points at me...and they turn and leave...i thought...weird...and then went back to my beer...minutes later two cops walk in and ask me to walk out with them...my response was...why...

cops don't like that...they told me that they didn't have to tell me anything...they told me that i was the one who had to explain myself...i didn't take that very well...it turned out that i was being accused of breaking into a car...at the same time i was at a public venue in a roomful of people...i told the cops that whoever made the accusation...was full of shit...they didn't like that...they arrested me...I struggled...shouted...cursed...made a scene...no one...intervened...

later...handcuffed in the backseat of the patrol car...the cop leaned into my face and spoke to me through clenched teeth...

the only reason you're still alive, is because you're not worth killing.

i kept my mouth shut after that...for the entire 48 hours i was in custody while they ran me though the system...all i could think about was how i didn't want to die...handcuffed...and choking to death...

September 12, 2005

"history shows again and again...

how nature points out the folly of men"



i love that song...it's been playing over and over in my head for about a week now...given events lately...can you blame me...

life is starting to settle down and there's a lot brewing over here...stuff i've been wanting to say for the last week or two...living life just gets in the way sometimes...[copout]...anyway...lots of readers lately...so no time for slacking...many things of interest to come...just dropping a little musical tapas...to cleanse your palatte...you're going to need it...

September 7, 2005

the gates of san francisco...

leftover shots from the trip...i noticed the distinctive wrought iron designs on the gates of many doors throughout the city...i liked them...











in case you were curious...

heather is alive and...as well as can be expected...turns out...she's got a blog...it's a good read...

excerpt from 6/9 of this year:

"Anyway, even good historic preservation isn’t going to save New Orleans when the big hurricane comes up the river.

Maybe we should just shrug our shoulders. Maybe the city that lives by apathy should die by apathy. Maybe this town was meant to be the stuff of myth, and nothing will fulfill its fate like watery doom."

prescient...at best...

September 6, 2005

wrapping up...

thanks to hubs and rick for playing along with my silly little game...and although they didn't guess where we were...san francisco... if they want a (somewhat) fabulous gift...they can email me an address to send them to...



we had a lot of fun...we ate like royalty...we traveled everywhere...on foot...by train...and trolley...it was refreshing to be in a city that understands the value of mass transit...we went to city lights...where i found the first books i stumbled across in college...that revealed mr bukowski to me...


my idea of heaven...

walked around chinatown...walked down to the very tourista ghirardelli square...
good chocolate...and other good food...was found...all over the city...

no surprise...we're talking about moving...san francisco...is the city that denver could be...in twenty years...we're not sure we want to wait that long...



-------
the spring before i met my wife i became aquainted with a charming young lady from new orleans named heather heilman...



it's been a long time since we had contact...so i don't expect to hear from her right away...but i can't find her on any survivor/rescued list...it would be good to know that she is doing well...

September 4, 2005

random and unobtuse clues...

last round before we return home...let's see if any of these are helpful...







my own personal cistine chapel...



if art can bee considered a religion...this is one of my holy temples...



and we climbed 130 of these...to what might be the city's highest point...

September 3, 2005

our view...



a shining golden city...

September 2, 2005

where the hell am i off to...(honeymoon edition)...



it's time to play our favorite game...i post photos...and drop hints...about where i'm at...you leave comments guessing where i might be...you guess right, you get...(somewhat) fabulous prizes...it worked out so well last time i thought it would be fun to do again...

September 1, 2005

your word of the week from the journal...

cynical

"a: contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives b : based on or reflecting a belief that human conduct is motivated primarily by self-interest"

as in- i would call what's going on in new orleans shameful, but really it's just human nature in effect...civilization is an illusion...that the smallest geologic/cosmic/atmospheric event can tear it away...asteroids...hurricanes...earthquakes...ice ages...magnetic polar shifts...these kinds of things are common...on the human scale they can seem like the end of the world...so...greed...and survival...come to the fore...rule of law be damned...the problem with the concept of civilization is that it's in denial...of the human animal...we want to believe that the beast has been tamed...can be tamed...our entire culture is built around a handful of fallacies...this is one of them...ultimately...the lie will always out...

August 29, 2005

i love the dmv...really...

i know it's a pain in the ass if you have to be there...you have to take at least a half day off from...whatever you do with your life...and you get to deal with surly gov'mint employees...but think about it...if you want to know what the people in your community are really like...and you've got an hour to kill...head down to your local dmv...you'll find...real people...regular everyday citizens...take a look around...take it all in...look at the men...are they a dockers and golf shirt crowd...jeans and t-shirts...or shorts and sandals...on any given day...especially during the summer...every dmv will have at least a handful of teens...what are they wearing...are they there with their parents...are they there with their own children...how many languages are being spoken...are people reading...are they reading books or magazines...

all i'm sayin' is...you could learn a lot about where you live...and the people who live there...

better than the airport...bus...or train station...people there are doing one of three things...passing through...coming in...or leaving...great people watching...sure...but not a great place to get know...where you live...

check it out...

August 27, 2005

i could...icould...i could...

i could tell you all about the delicious dinner i had with my wife and her parents...i could tell you how i always manage to overeat at the best thai restaurant in town...i could say that afterwards we went to a party with friends...and drank from many...many...bottles of wine...i could write about how i was social...gregarious...friendly...that would be a lie...i could give insight on why i retreat inside my self...i could complain about how...once again...i was the only black man in the room...but i didn't care...i was happy...and surrounded by good people...i could exlain what makes me the guy who just wants to lay music...for everyone to enjoy...i could try to illuminate the joy of expressing myself....with other people's songs...i could tell you the lesson of the evening was to not be the sweaty guy at the party who doesn't wear deodorant...i could tell you that there is always someone who takes a big stynky dump in the bathroom...i could be funny and sad about how a ghost presided over the whole night...i could flashback to the flings...of fucking for 30 days...and then realizing that there is nothing else there...and...i could be happy...that those days are over...i could...

August 23, 2005

this is the kind of thing that makes me love...and hate...this place...



Dan over at East Colfax has managed to perfectly capture what makes denver such a frustrating...and lovely...conundrum...


Johnny Cash Loves You!

August 16, 2005

a hero...tells it like it is...

nothing is as effective as defeat

always carry a notebook with you
wherever you go, he said,
and don’t drink too much, drinking dulls
the sensibilities,
attend readings, note breath pause,
and when you read
always understate
underplay, the crowd is smarter than you
might think,
and when you write something
don’t send it out right away,
put it in a drawer for two weeks,
then take it out and look
at it, and revise, revise,

REVISE again and again,
tighten lines like bolts holding the span
of a 5 mile bridge,
and keep a notebook by your bed,
you will get thoughts during the night
and these thoughts will vanish and be wasted
unless you notate them.
and don’t drink, any fool can
drink, we are men of letters.

for a guy who couldn’t write at all
he was about like the rest of them: he could sure
talk about
it.




Johnny Cash Loves You!

August 10, 2005

reeling in the...archives...

im not much for dwelling on the past...but...how else can you know where youre going...if you don't know where you've been...in that light, irecently explored the origins of...this ol journal...and i realize that i write a lot less about writing than i used to...i think that's due to two causes...

the last year has reaquainted me with my old friend...death...who stopped by...and reminded me that...we are all beholden...to him...even someone as full of life and love as shasty...as if i needed a refresher...

more important...i fell in love with and married a wonderful woman...who shows me...everyday...that there is a world outside of the one inside my head...and sometimes...only sometimes...it's just as fascinating...

both these things...people, really...helped me figure out that it's important...as a writer...as a human being no less...to balance...the internal and the external...by nature, i'm self absorbed...left to my own devices...my waking life would be nothing more than writing...and the transactions neccessary to allow the writing to continue...im growing beyond that...i thinkj...im more involved in the outer world...if even only slighty more...and this journal is a reflection of that change...

does that mean the writing is somehow compromised...i don't think so...not to worry...very soon i'll have something to show for my work...somethings...and new ideas are already taking shape...for the future...

Johnny Cash Loves You!

August 7, 2005

damn right...


im not sayin i had anything to do with it...

i'm just hapy that one of my favorite momuments...

in my favorite park...

in my favorite neighborhood...

has been restored...

im not the only one either...


one of my other favortive monuments...


the restored MLK monument...

i remember when they dedicated the restoreation...

ashes fluttered down from the sky...

that was the summer the governor declared...that the state was on fire...

i sat in the grass and watched the artist...and the politicians...make with the speechifying...

amid the hullabalu...soot gently fell on the people...

and you could smell the forest fire in the soft wind...

all i could do was chuckle...

my most favorite monument in denver...

the tree my friends and i planted...to remember a great friend...who died a year ago this month...


Johnny Cash Loves You!